Airline humour
Guest
Posts: n/a
Airline humour
Something to read in case you are bored!
Anybody got any good airline jokes or flying related jokes?
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said: "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault...it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
------------------
Is that supposed to happen....??
Anybody got any good airline jokes or flying related jokes?
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said: "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault...it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
------------------
Is that supposed to happen....??
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hilarious, Keep em coming.
This is a true story!
A pilot was taking off in a passenger filled aircraft when suddenly after Vr, a wheel of the aircraft actually fell off!
The fuel tanks were full and the pilot didn't want to land above Maximum Landing Weight, so he kept circling through some heavy turbulence.
When he finally made his way onto Final Approach and touched down, he managed to tilt the aircraft, balancing it on only two tyres until it almost came to a standstill. The aircraft settled down and nobody was hurt.
As the pilot came out of the cockpit to see if everyone was alright, the passengers noticed his name tag.
It read "Bond".
This is a true story!
A pilot was taking off in a passenger filled aircraft when suddenly after Vr, a wheel of the aircraft actually fell off!
The fuel tanks were full and the pilot didn't want to land above Maximum Landing Weight, so he kept circling through some heavy turbulence.
When he finally made his way onto Final Approach and touched down, he managed to tilt the aircraft, balancing it on only two tyres until it almost came to a standstill. The aircraft settled down and nobody was hurt.
As the pilot came out of the cockpit to see if everyone was alright, the passengers noticed his name tag.
It read "Bond".
Guest
Posts: n/a
LTN>GLA (guess the airline) after a rather firm touchdown the cabin crew announcment was:
"For those few of you left in any doubt, we have now landed at Glasgow Intl....."
It was trick wx (windshear) so a bit unfair IMHO.
------------------
You start off with an empty bag of experience and a full bag of luck. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
"For those few of you left in any doubt, we have now landed at Glasgow Intl....."
It was trick wx (windshear) so a bit unfair IMHO.
------------------
You start off with an empty bag of experience and a full bag of luck. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
Guest
Posts: n/a
story i heard
As part of a private pilot ground-school curriculum, I take my studentson a tour of the Deer Valley (Ariz.) Control Tower. During one recent tour, the two controllers on duty happened to be women. As one began
her introduction, she said, "The first thing we want you to notice is that this is an unmanned facility!"
------------------
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
As part of a private pilot ground-school curriculum, I take my studentson a tour of the Deer Valley (Ariz.) Control Tower. During one recent tour, the two controllers on duty happened to be women. As one began
her introduction, she said, "The first thing we want you to notice is that this is an unmanned facility!"
------------------
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
Guest
Posts: n/a
The old 'most attractive attendants in the industry but none on this flight' gag was done by a skipper at my airline - Some male pax complained strongly and he got a REAL b*llocking.
There is no longer any place for humour on our aeroplanes...
Or is there?
------------------
...proceeding below Decision Height with CAUTION...
There is no longer any place for humour on our aeroplanes...
Or is there?
------------------
...proceeding below Decision Height with CAUTION...
Guest
Posts: n/a
News is just coming in about a major air disaster. Apparently, just over an hour ago, a two seat Cessna light aircraft crashed into a grave yard about two miles East of Belfast. Irish rescue workers have reported that 131 people have been killed and more bodies are expected to be found.
On final approach to Manchester Airport, an Irish pilot decided to abort the landing. He rejoins the circuit and tries again. He does this several times during the hour but just can't seem to put the plane down. Finally, the pilot explains to the confused passengers, over the PA system, that the plane is running out of fuel and so he must land the plane next time. He announces "Please prepare for an emergency landing. It is going to be very tricky because although the runway is two miles wide it is only 75 metres long."
Ryanair pilot was preparing to land at Birmingham International Airport. Air traffic control requested "Speedbird 156, please report your height and position." The pilot replies "Good evening Birmingham ATC, I am 5ft 7 and I'm sitting in the captain's seat."
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3."
Found these on another site, enjoy
On final approach to Manchester Airport, an Irish pilot decided to abort the landing. He rejoins the circuit and tries again. He does this several times during the hour but just can't seem to put the plane down. Finally, the pilot explains to the confused passengers, over the PA system, that the plane is running out of fuel and so he must land the plane next time. He announces "Please prepare for an emergency landing. It is going to be very tricky because although the runway is two miles wide it is only 75 metres long."
Ryanair pilot was preparing to land at Birmingham International Airport. Air traffic control requested "Speedbird 156, please report your height and position." The pilot replies "Good evening Birmingham ATC, I am 5ft 7 and I'm sitting in the captain's seat."
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3."
Found these on another site, enjoy
Guest
Posts: n/a
Got lots Capt, just not mine Lotsa cutting and pasting going on here...
Q: What is the definition of a non-precision approach?
A: A blond on an ILS
"VOODOO flight expect a reroute in 5 minutes..."
"WHY??"
"There is a lot of traffic between you and your destination, we'll have to bring you around.."
"In how many minutes again?"
"FOUR MINUTES.."
"OK, EXPECT A RADIO FAILURE IN THREE MINUTES!!!"
"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"
A pilot dies and goes to hell. As he is waiting for the devil, he notices three doors. The devil is nowhere in sight so he walks over to door number one and peeks inside. There he sees a lone pilot, sweating over emergency after emergency, non stop bells and horns. Quickly closing that door, he creeps to door number two. There he sees a pilot going over checklist after checklist. Slamming closed that door, he steps over to the 3rd and last door. Inside is a pilot, along with three flight attendants who are pouring coffee, serving dinners and cold compresses to the pilot. Smiling he slowly closes the door and goes over and sits down. The devil finally arrives and tells him to choose a door. He laughs and chooses door number three. "Sorry" says the devil. "Door # 3 is flight attendant hell."
"Actual" Transmissions Made in the O'Hare TRACON
- "Citation 123, if you quite calling me center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna."
- "You're gonna have to key the mike. I can't see you when you nod your head."
- "Don't anybody maintain anything."
- "If you want more room Captain, push your seat back."
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
"Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ..."
Q: How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him
The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation..
1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
2. Me? I've never busted minimum’s.
3. We will be on time, maybe even early.
4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
5. I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
8. I'm a member of the mile high club.
9. I only need glasses for reading.
10. I broke out right at minimum’s.
11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the book.
18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorised.
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
24. We'll be home by lunchtime.
25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.
27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
29. I thought YOU took care of that.
30. I've got the field in sight.
31. I've got the traffic in sight.
32. Of course I know where we are.
33. I'm SURE the gear was down.
Lotsa cutting and pasting going on here... Q: What is the definition of a non-precision approach?
A: A blond on an ILS
"VOODOO flight expect a reroute in 5 minutes..."
"WHY??"
"There is a lot of traffic between you and your destination, we'll have to bring you around.."
"In how many minutes again?"
"FOUR MINUTES.."
"OK, EXPECT A RADIO FAILURE IN THREE MINUTES!!!"
"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"
A pilot dies and goes to hell. As he is waiting for the devil, he notices three doors. The devil is nowhere in sight so he walks over to door number one and peeks inside. There he sees a lone pilot, sweating over emergency after emergency, non stop bells and horns. Quickly closing that door, he creeps to door number two. There he sees a pilot going over checklist after checklist. Slamming closed that door, he steps over to the 3rd and last door. Inside is a pilot, along with three flight attendants who are pouring coffee, serving dinners and cold compresses to the pilot. Smiling he slowly closes the door and goes over and sits down. The devil finally arrives and tells him to choose a door. He laughs and chooses door number three. "Sorry" says the devil. "Door # 3 is flight attendant hell."
"Actual" Transmissions Made in the O'Hare TRACON
- "Citation 123, if you quite calling me center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna."
- "You're gonna have to key the mike. I can't see you when you nod your head."
- "Don't anybody maintain anything."
- "If you want more room Captain, push your seat back."
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
"Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ..."
Q: How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him
The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation..
1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
2. Me? I've never busted minimum’s.
3. We will be on time, maybe even early.
4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
5. I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
8. I'm a member of the mile high club.
9. I only need glasses for reading.
10. I broke out right at minimum’s.
11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the book.
18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorised.
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
24. We'll be home by lunchtime.
25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.
27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
29. I thought YOU took care of that.
30. I've got the field in sight.
31. I've got the traffic in sight.
32. Of course I know where we are.
33. I'm SURE the gear was down.
Guest
Posts: n/a
A few more 
Got a feeling this might be off to JetBlast soon...
"Pilot Performance"
One day a sweet young lady was conducting a study in to human sexual behaviour. She sat down to think and came to the conclusion that the best place to find participants for the survey would be the airport, as there was a wide range of different people going through.
After about three hours of questioning passengers, she sees a pilot walking to his gate .Having heard of the reputation of pilots she stops him "Excuse me, Captain" she says, "I am doing a survey on human sexuality... I was wondering if you could answer a few questions...."
The pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him. After three or four questions, she asks him "and when was the last time you had sex?". Straight away the Captain replies "1959". The girl was shocked... she looks at the captain and asks "1959 isn't that a long time ago?".
"Oh" the pilot replies "I guess so .. but it's only 2015 now..."
"The Pilot's Prayer"
Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.
Roger.
"Good knowledge of radio procedure.."
Scene 1: it's night over Las Vegas, information Hotel is current and mooney 33W is unfamiliar with procedure and talking to approach control...
Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.
33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet.
approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:
Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.
United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.
"How to make people feel at ease..."
A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the following stories about a captain with whom he often flew. This guy was an excellent pilot, but not real good at making passengers feel at ease.
For example, one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was asked to hold while the trucks came out and cleaned up. His announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's left of the last airplane that landed there."
Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending in the rough air and one of the flight attendants relayed that message to the captain. His announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some of you have noticed our wings bending in the turbulence. In fact, the flight attendant told me that the wing tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps. Well, that's perfectly normal; there's nothing to worry about. Our wings are designed to bend as much as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see, we're nowhere near that yet."
Got a feeling this might be off to JetBlast soon..."Pilot Performance"
One day a sweet young lady was conducting a study in to human sexual behaviour. She sat down to think and came to the conclusion that the best place to find participants for the survey would be the airport, as there was a wide range of different people going through.
After about three hours of questioning passengers, she sees a pilot walking to his gate .Having heard of the reputation of pilots she stops him "Excuse me, Captain" she says, "I am doing a survey on human sexuality... I was wondering if you could answer a few questions...."
The pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him. After three or four questions, she asks him "and when was the last time you had sex?". Straight away the Captain replies "1959". The girl was shocked... she looks at the captain and asks "1959 isn't that a long time ago?".
"Oh" the pilot replies "I guess so .. but it's only 2015 now..."
"The Pilot's Prayer"
Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.
Roger.
"Good knowledge of radio procedure.."
Scene 1: it's night over Las Vegas, information Hotel is current and mooney 33W is unfamiliar with procedure and talking to approach control...
Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.
33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet.
approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:
Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.
United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.
"How to make people feel at ease..."
A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the following stories about a captain with whom he often flew. This guy was an excellent pilot, but not real good at making passengers feel at ease.
For example, one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was asked to hold while the trucks came out and cleaned up. His announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's left of the last airplane that landed there."
Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending in the rough air and one of the flight attendants relayed that message to the captain. His announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some of you have noticed our wings bending in the turbulence. In fact, the flight attendant told me that the wing tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps. Well, that's perfectly normal; there's nothing to worry about. Our wings are designed to bend as much as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see, we're nowhere near that yet."
Guest
Posts: n/a
Please no-one take offense at this!!
Jet blast here we come!!
The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bi*ch."
[This message has been edited by Capt Wannabee (edited 20 April 2001).]
Jet blast here we come!!
The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bi*ch."
[This message has been edited by Capt Wannabee (edited 20 April 2001).]
Guest
Posts: n/a
Its enough to make you cry!! 
During a long flight, a gentleman developed a serious problem. He made several attempts to get into the men's room, but found it to be occupied each time. The flight attendant noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps and had a look of anxiety on his face. "Sir" she said, "the ladies' room is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." At that point he would have promised anything!
He went to the ladies' room, relieved himself, and sat there savoring the relief. He noticed the buttons he'd promised not to touch. The buttons were labled "WW", "WA", "PP", and the red one was labled "ATR". Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist! The curiosity was too great! He pushed the button labled "WW". Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a contented feeling came over him! "Men's rooms don't have things like this," he thought.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the button labled "WA". Warm air replaced the warm water. It dried his underside thoroughly. The warm air stopped. Without hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding the fragrent scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. "The ladies' room is more than a restroom," he thought, "this is a place of tender loving care!" When the powder puff had quit, he pushed the red button marked "ATR" knowing this must be the ultimate joy in the ladies' room experience! The next thing he knew he was in the hosptial when he opened his eyes. A nurse was starring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies' room on the plane." The nurse replied, "you pushed too many buttons, Sir." Her smirk expanded to a wide grin. "The last button, marked 'ATR', was an automatic tampon remover ...... your pen*s is under your pillow."
During a long flight, a gentleman developed a serious problem. He made several attempts to get into the men's room, but found it to be occupied each time. The flight attendant noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps and had a look of anxiety on his face. "Sir" she said, "the ladies' room is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." At that point he would have promised anything!
He went to the ladies' room, relieved himself, and sat there savoring the relief. He noticed the buttons he'd promised not to touch. The buttons were labled "WW", "WA", "PP", and the red one was labled "ATR". Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist! The curiosity was too great! He pushed the button labled "WW". Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a contented feeling came over him! "Men's rooms don't have things like this," he thought.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the button labled "WA". Warm air replaced the warm water. It dried his underside thoroughly. The warm air stopped. Without hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding the fragrent scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. "The ladies' room is more than a restroom," he thought, "this is a place of tender loving care!" When the powder puff had quit, he pushed the red button marked "ATR" knowing this must be the ultimate joy in the ladies' room experience! The next thing he knew he was in the hosptial when he opened his eyes. A nurse was starring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies' room on the plane." The nurse replied, "you pushed too many buttons, Sir." Her smirk expanded to a wide grin. "The last button, marked 'ATR', was an automatic tampon remover ...... your pen*s is under your pillow."
Guest
Posts: n/a
NO BA PILOTS IN HEAVEN
A British Airways mechanic passes away....
Upon being met at the Pearly Gates, he is asked by St. Peter what is his most heartfelt desire. "To NEVER be around any BA captins!" was his emphatic response.
A few weeks later, while relaxing in the Angel's lounge who should walk in but a British Airways Captain in all his regalia. Furious, the mechanic marches off to find St. Peter to complain.
St Peter calms the man by saying, "There are no BA captains in Heaven. That was God...he just likes to pretend he's one."
------------------------------
What is the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot.
-----------------------------
GOD AND MONEY
If God had meant man to fly,
He would have given him more money
-------------------------------
THE TOP 12 ADVERTISING SLOGANS FOR AEROFLOT:
1 Join our frequent near-miss program
2 Ask about our out-of-court settlements
3 Noisy engines? We'll turn them off!
4. Complimentary vodka in free fall
5. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you
6. The kids will love our inflatable slides
7. You think it's so easy! Get your own darn plane.
8. We might be landing on your street.
9. Terrorists are afraid to fly with us
10. Bring a bathing suit
11. a real man lands where he wants to
12. we never make the same mistake 3 times
-------------------------------
Male pilots are confused souls who talk about women when flying and flying when with women.
-------------------------------
Centre: "Southwest 450, for noise abatement turn 240 degrees.
Southwest 450 "Centre, we are at 35,000 ft, how much noise can we make up here?"
Centre: "sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"
------------------------------
HELICOPTER PILOT -
WHERE AM I?
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the a/c's electronic navigation and communications equipment. due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign and held it in the helicopter's window.
The pilot's sign read: "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the a/c, drew a large sign and held it to the building window.
Their sign read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER"
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined his course to SEATAC and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copliot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded: "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they give me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
----------------------------
DATING PILOTS
How do you know when you are half way through a date with a pilot?
Because he says "thats enough about flying, let's talk about me"!
A British Airways mechanic passes away....
Upon being met at the Pearly Gates, he is asked by St. Peter what is his most heartfelt desire. "To NEVER be around any BA captins!" was his emphatic response.
A few weeks later, while relaxing in the Angel's lounge who should walk in but a British Airways Captain in all his regalia. Furious, the mechanic marches off to find St. Peter to complain.
St Peter calms the man by saying, "There are no BA captains in Heaven. That was God...he just likes to pretend he's one."
------------------------------
What is the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot.
-----------------------------
GOD AND MONEY
If God had meant man to fly,
He would have given him more money
-------------------------------
THE TOP 12 ADVERTISING SLOGANS FOR AEROFLOT:
1 Join our frequent near-miss program
2 Ask about our out-of-court settlements
3 Noisy engines? We'll turn them off!
4. Complimentary vodka in free fall
5. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you
6. The kids will love our inflatable slides
7. You think it's so easy! Get your own darn plane.
8. We might be landing on your street.
9. Terrorists are afraid to fly with us
10. Bring a bathing suit
11. a real man lands where he wants to
12. we never make the same mistake 3 times
-------------------------------
Male pilots are confused souls who talk about women when flying and flying when with women.
-------------------------------
Centre: "Southwest 450, for noise abatement turn 240 degrees.
Southwest 450 "Centre, we are at 35,000 ft, how much noise can we make up here?"
Centre: "sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"
------------------------------
HELICOPTER PILOT -
WHERE AM I?
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the a/c's electronic navigation and communications equipment. due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign and held it in the helicopter's window.
The pilot's sign read: "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the a/c, drew a large sign and held it to the building window.
Their sign read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER"
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined his course to SEATAC and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copliot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded: "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they give me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
----------------------------
DATING PILOTS
How do you know when you are half way through a date with a pilot?
Because he says "thats enough about flying, let's talk about me"!
Guest
Posts: n/a
Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."
Love it, ickle
Love it, ickle
Guest
Posts: n/a
A British RAF fighter pilot gets shot down over Germany during WWII. He is unable to eject and makes a crash landing. He falls in to the hands of the naziz who put him in a military hospital. After inspection the pilot is informed they have to amputate his leg. He says "Alright, but could you be a good sport and drop the leg over the fatherland during your next bombing run". The naziz reluctantly agree to this rather strange request. Days go by and it becomes evident that the other leg has to be amputated because the naziz use the little antibiotics they have on their own people. The pilot asks again if they could pity him and drop his leg over English soil during their next bombing run to England. Again they reluctantly agree. Another few days go by and now it seems they have to take his right arm of. For the third time the pilot asks them to drop it over England. But this time the nazis reply "No we thinks you are trying to escape!"
Bring it on chaps!
------------------
Nothing to see here, just making use of the internet!
Bring it on chaps!
------------------
Nothing to see here, just making use of the internet!
Guest
Posts: n/a
well totally potically uncorrect and so are the spellings but here goes
Paddy is on his way to visit his brother Mick in England who he hasn't seenin 20 years.Here sitting in his seat having his small Jameson and the captain comes on the pa "THIS IS MARY YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING WELCOME ABOARD AND I HOPE YOU WILL ENJOY YOUR FLIGHT WITH US"
Paddy hearing the female voice takes a big gulp of his whiskey and thinks it will be alright and the co pilot will handle any thing serious.But during the flight the co pilot come on the pa "THIS IS ANN YOU COPILOT SPEAKING AND WOULD ASK PASSENGERS TO FASTEN THEIR SEAT BELTS AS THINGS MAY GET A BIT TURBELANT" with that paddy asks for another whiskey and thinks it alright the flight engineer(old old aircraft before anyone gets tech)will sort outy any problems.But on landing the flight engineer come on the pa"THE CAPTAIN, FO AND MY SELF SHARON WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR FLYING WITH XXXX AND HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOU FLIGHT"Paddy listening to this is astounded and when he's gettong off the plane address hte stewardess "TELL THE CREW IN THE GEEPIT THEY DID A WONDERFUL JOB"
Paddy is on his way to visit his brother Mick in England who he hasn't seenin 20 years.Here sitting in his seat having his small Jameson and the captain comes on the pa "THIS IS MARY YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING WELCOME ABOARD AND I HOPE YOU WILL ENJOY YOUR FLIGHT WITH US"
Paddy hearing the female voice takes a big gulp of his whiskey and thinks it will be alright and the co pilot will handle any thing serious.But during the flight the co pilot come on the pa "THIS IS ANN YOU COPILOT SPEAKING AND WOULD ASK PASSENGERS TO FASTEN THEIR SEAT BELTS AS THINGS MAY GET A BIT TURBELANT" with that paddy asks for another whiskey and thinks it alright the flight engineer(old old aircraft before anyone gets tech)will sort outy any problems.But on landing the flight engineer come on the pa"THE CAPTAIN, FO AND MY SELF SHARON WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR FLYING WITH XXXX AND HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOU FLIGHT"Paddy listening to this is astounded and when he's gettong off the plane address hte stewardess "TELL THE CREW IN THE GEEPIT THEY DID A WONDERFUL JOB"