Airline humour
Guest
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Two (allegedly) real comments:
ATC: 'American 123, descend to altitude 5000' the QNH 1018 millibars'
AA: 'Okay London, could we have that in inches'
ATC: 'American 123, descend to 60000 inches the QNH 1018 millibars'
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It goes along similar lines to the gay steward joke, but is meant to be true from a well known BA Captain
ATC: 'Speedbird 123 turn right 60 degrees and descend flight level 210'
Capt You-know-who: 'Right 60 degrees and descend flight level 210, Speedbird 123 and can you tell me the reason for this'
ATC: 'Speedbird 123 you've got Kittyhawk XXX, with the Queen on board, a short distance in front of you'
Capt YKW: 'Well that's just great. You tell Kittyhawk that he's got just one Queen on board; I've got at least 7 and I'd like to maintain height and heading'
(With broad Cockney accent for affect)
Pontius
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You Ain't Seen Me - Right !!
ATC: 'American 123, descend to altitude 5000' the QNH 1018 millibars'
AA: 'Okay London, could we have that in inches'
ATC: 'American 123, descend to 60000 inches the QNH 1018 millibars'
---------------------------------------------
It goes along similar lines to the gay steward joke, but is meant to be true from a well known BA Captain
ATC: 'Speedbird 123 turn right 60 degrees and descend flight level 210'
Capt You-know-who: 'Right 60 degrees and descend flight level 210, Speedbird 123 and can you tell me the reason for this'
ATC: 'Speedbird 123 you've got Kittyhawk XXX, with the Queen on board, a short distance in front of you'
Capt YKW: 'Well that's just great. You tell Kittyhawk that he's got just one Queen on board; I've got at least 7 and I'd like to maintain height and heading'
(With broad Cockney accent for affect)
Pontius
------------------
You Ain't Seen Me - Right !!
Guest
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ATC: ABC, say your speed
ABC: "Your speed"
ATC: ABC, say your altitude
ABC: "Your altitude"
ATC, now irate: "ABC, say Cancel IFR FLight Plan"
ABC: "250knots, 8000 feet"
And a buddy of mine, during his first PPL cross-country to Port Elizabeth (SA), was told to report on left downwind 08, and to keep a look out for the Springbok on final approach.....
His reply.... "OK report left downwind 08, but eehh... I don't see any animals up here !!!"
ABC: "Your speed"
ATC: ABC, say your altitude
ABC: "Your altitude"
ATC, now irate: "ABC, say Cancel IFR FLight Plan"
ABC: "250knots, 8000 feet"
And a buddy of mine, during his first PPL cross-country to Port Elizabeth (SA), was told to report on left downwind 08, and to keep a look out for the Springbok on final approach.....
His reply.... "OK report left downwind 08, but eehh... I don't see any animals up here !!!"
Guest
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During my Flight training I was coming in to Land in my Cessna 152 at Daytona Beach International Airport (FL). On Short Finals, I noticed a Delta MD80 waiting for me to land so he could take off.
I continued my approach and said to the tower "Please tell the Delta aircraft to be very careful of my Wake Vortices".
Made the Delta cringe and the Controller crack up!
I continued my approach and said to the tower "Please tell the Delta aircraft to be very careful of my Wake Vortices".
Made the Delta cringe and the Controller crack up!
Guest
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While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.
"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.
There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
"We're going to get help."
[This message has been edited by Capt Wannabee (edited 23 April 2001).]
"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.
There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
"We're going to get help."
[This message has been edited by Capt Wannabee (edited 23 April 2001).]
Guest
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Real Tech Log Entries (allegedly)
Pilot: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacing.
Engineer: Almost replaced inside main tyre.
Pilot: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Engineer: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something lose in cockpit.
Engineer: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilot: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Engineer: Evidence removed.
Pilot: Number three engine missing.
Engineer: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Dead bugs on windscreen.
Engineer: Live bugs on order.
Pilot: Radio hums.
Engineer: Radio re-tuned with the lyrics.
Actual Radio Communication
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide! Do you have the airfield in sight?"
Cessna: "Uh, tower.....I am on the south ramp, I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
T&S
Pilot: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacing.
Engineer: Almost replaced inside main tyre.
Pilot: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Engineer: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something lose in cockpit.
Engineer: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilot: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Engineer: Evidence removed.
Pilot: Number three engine missing.
Engineer: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Dead bugs on windscreen.
Engineer: Live bugs on order.
Pilot: Radio hums.
Engineer: Radio re-tuned with the lyrics.
Actual Radio Communication
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide! Do you have the airfield in sight?"
Cessna: "Uh, tower.....I am on the south ramp, I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
T&S
Guest
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A C152 was doing circuits with a freshly soloed pilot (and before anyone complains about p.c. this is true) with a very pronounced indian accent. I had heard him do a couple during start and taxi with the usual 'g-xx downwind for touch and go' - 'call final ..... '. Anyhow, Im now holding for him to land, he's on final and ATC asked 'g-xx is this to land?' Silence. 20 seconds later, ATC 'g-xx?' Replies 'I am bloody well hoping so!'
How do you know if there's a pilot at a party? - He'll tell you.
LF
How do you know if there's a pilot at a party? - He'll tell you.
LF
Guest
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one of my personal favourites...
An American heavy is approaching an airfield at night, it's windy, raining and there's windshear on the approach. All this means that the aircraft touches down way too fast, and full reverse is selected, bringing the aircraft screeching to a halt, just in time to make the last turn off on the runway. Just as he is passing 60 knots, ATC come up with "American 123 heavy, if you can then take the next left, if not then turn right onto highway 48 and take junction 2 back to the airport"
some good ones here
G-BPEC
An American heavy is approaching an airfield at night, it's windy, raining and there's windshear on the approach. All this means that the aircraft touches down way too fast, and full reverse is selected, bringing the aircraft screeching to a halt, just in time to make the last turn off on the runway. Just as he is passing 60 knots, ATC come up with "American 123 heavy, if you can then take the next left, if not then turn right onto highway 48 and take junction 2 back to the airport"
some good ones here
G-BPEC
Guest
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A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!"
The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and
unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate." With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore, "F*ck you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"
The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and
unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate." With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore, "F*ck you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"
Guest
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I often fly with humorous Captains flying for BA, flying the 744 is a real treat. One of my favorite Capts and I were taxiing at Miami Intnl, for a flight to Heathrow, he was being quite chipper talking to tower, when holding short, tower said "Speedbird 206 Heavy, caution there's a turtle on the runway." The Capt replied, "Is it a large turtle?" Tower came back, "Ahhh negative sir, its about 6 inches in diamater." Capt: "Well, You better tell him to hold on tightly then!" Not long after that we were talking to Miami Center, Me: "Miami Center good evening, Speedbird 206 Heavy with you leaving FL180 for FL330" Cntr "Roger Speedbird 206 continue" The next call was a learjet with a capt with a strong southern accent. "Miami Center, Lear 3GW would like to get up to FL410" Center replied "Rgr Lear 3GW cleared to FL410" the next call was from the Lear to us on center saying "Hey British Big Boy, why dont you come up here with us." Without missing a beat, my capt said "We'd love to Learjet, but our wallets are holding us down."
Guest
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Not strictly humour, but makes you wonder:
An ex-military chopper pilot once told me how he was flying around in the Caribbean (I think) and got caught up in some pretty bad weather. Anyway, he called the controller and asked for a weather update, to which the controller replied (in the best possible Jamaican accent) "well, the weather is fine, skies clear, 20 mile visibility and winds calm", the chopper pilot replied “What are you talking about! I’m at 500ft, it’s absolutely pissing down, I’m getting blown left, right and centre and I can’t see the ground!!!", the controller replied, "Oh yaaah maaaan, I know, but I’m just reading it of my sheet!"
An ex-military chopper pilot once told me how he was flying around in the Caribbean (I think) and got caught up in some pretty bad weather. Anyway, he called the controller and asked for a weather update, to which the controller replied (in the best possible Jamaican accent) "well, the weather is fine, skies clear, 20 mile visibility and winds calm", the chopper pilot replied “What are you talking about! I’m at 500ft, it’s absolutely pissing down, I’m getting blown left, right and centre and I can’t see the ground!!!", the controller replied, "Oh yaaah maaaan, I know, but I’m just reading it of my sheet!"
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Junior Airline Pilot.
Little girl next door hears strange noises coming from adjacent garden. On looking over the fence she spots the small boy from next door sitting on a soapbox with his hands holding on to an imaginary steering column and his legs out, making engine noises. Curious to see what was happening she clambered over and asked him what he was doing.
With a look of intense concentration on his face, he motioned her impatiently away. Not to be put off she persisted. He finaly made some tire sqeaking noises and the motors ceased. Looking up at her crossly he informed her that he was piloting his 4 engine passenger plane full of passengers from Khartoum to London and that they had just completed a full IFR approach and landing at Rome. Her distarctions had very nearly caused an accident.
Fascinated the little girl immediately offered her services as a hostess. The Junior Capt thought about it then agreed that it wasn't a bad idea.
On the next sector the hostess having served innumerable meals and cups of tea to the imaginary passengers finaly got bored on the back of the box and moved round to the front to serve the Captain.
As she swung around beside the young pilot her short frock was rucked up, he noticed that she was wearing no undergarments. Being unfamiliar with the opposite sex he pointed at her lap and asked her what 'that' was.
"That's my sweetie" she replied quite unselfconciously " why, would you like to kiss it?"
" Er,no thanks" the little boy hastily replied " I'm not a real pilot."
Little girl next door hears strange noises coming from adjacent garden. On looking over the fence she spots the small boy from next door sitting on a soapbox with his hands holding on to an imaginary steering column and his legs out, making engine noises. Curious to see what was happening she clambered over and asked him what he was doing.
With a look of intense concentration on his face, he motioned her impatiently away. Not to be put off she persisted. He finaly made some tire sqeaking noises and the motors ceased. Looking up at her crossly he informed her that he was piloting his 4 engine passenger plane full of passengers from Khartoum to London and that they had just completed a full IFR approach and landing at Rome. Her distarctions had very nearly caused an accident.
Fascinated the little girl immediately offered her services as a hostess. The Junior Capt thought about it then agreed that it wasn't a bad idea.
On the next sector the hostess having served innumerable meals and cups of tea to the imaginary passengers finaly got bored on the back of the box and moved round to the front to serve the Captain.
As she swung around beside the young pilot her short frock was rucked up, he noticed that she was wearing no undergarments. Being unfamiliar with the opposite sex he pointed at her lap and asked her what 'that' was.
"That's my sweetie" she replied quite unselfconciously " why, would you like to kiss it?"
" Er,no thanks" the little boy hastily replied " I'm not a real pilot."
Guest
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The Scene: Flight deck of Springbok flight to the UK.
F/A comes to flight deck and asks crew what they'd like for dinner. Captain asks what's available. F/A replies "Chicken, beef, duck and fish." Captain asks "What's the duck like?" After a few moments hesitation the F/A replies "It's like a chicken but it swims."
Crew collapse in merriment and confused F/A hurries from flight deck.
F/A comes to flight deck and asks crew what they'd like for dinner. Captain asks what's available. F/A replies "Chicken, beef, duck and fish." Captain asks "What's the duck like?" After a few moments hesitation the F/A replies "It's like a chicken but it swims."
Crew collapse in merriment and confused F/A hurries from flight deck.
