I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...
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This thread's got to be one of the funniest things I've read in years, but nothing so far beats Waldorfs post on Page 34...
Quoted for truth
Quoted for truth
Was a very shiny APO in 90 en route to Saxa Vord to undertake a 6 week hold (shredding classified waste!). On arrival (finally) am met at the Mess entrance by a very old cpl steward sporting a horrific facial scar and equally nast glare. He relieves me of my luggage with curt instructions of 'follow me c..t'! On entering my allocated room said steward advises that the rest of the Mess membership (total 5) were gathered in the bar to meet me. Steward promptly leaves but only after helping himeself to the pocket shrapnel I had just emptied in to the ashtry and uttering 'thanks for the tip c..t'! On entering the bar I note with alarm that the assembled appear otherwise engaged in strange, bordering on insane, acts while religeously ignoring me. A couple of guys were slumped over a table, absolutely still but with their heads touching. Another was sat cross legged in the corner sucking his thumb......you get the picture. Eventually, the PMC enters and ushers me to the bar and attempts introductions to the non-receptive audience. The afore mentioned steward appears behind the bar and promptly dispenses drinks along with choice language. Several beers flow in short order and the anti is increased remorselessly. I decide not to bite, that is until the steward vomited in my direction with impressive accuracy. Things get a little heated before the charade is terminated by all involved. The steward turned out to be the PMC (dentist sqn ldr and thoroughly fine chap as it transpired), the PMC was the real steward and the assmebled other folk were not really insane. After about half an hour or so of normality, another couple arrive (mixed sex) and head my way. I casually enquired during the handshake 'don't tell me, your the gardener and this is your slut of a wife'. Instant silence follows and the handshake abruptly terminates. PMC finally breaks the silence and introduces me to Mr and Mrs Staish, who unfortunately for me, were not in on the gag.
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A giggle from Lossiemouth in the 1980s.... Following a RHAG engagement the young lady in ATC came up on the radio:
"Lossie Combine, this is Lossie Tower. The airfield is black - I've just had an abortion on the runway".
I won't repeat the comments that came back.
"Lossie Combine, this is Lossie Tower. The airfield is black - I've just had an abortion on the runway".
I won't repeat the comments that came back.
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Early on Crewman course at Shawbury in late '80s, decided to follow usual first solo induction of standing out on the step and Hitler-saluting fellow stude transiting in the opposite direction, only to find it was Crewman Leader (A Very, very longserving Aircrew person) with Staish at the controls.....I had a little chat with him about that one...
Later after 3 days of bad Wx went and collected 2 x Barrels from Officers Mess (I was only stude on Sqn with Landrover on F600), which we duly drank, followed by trip to Shrewsbury (buttermarket) followed by drink-ette in the Sgt's Mess. It finished with myself and one of the live-in instructors carrying another Instructor up the stairs to his room, unfortunately he had already fallen over and cut his chin right across on a Bar Stool, and then releived himself at the top of the stairs, after an impromptu Banjo jamming session I retired at 5-ish
Just before morning prayers the Crewman Leader asks Instructor about the colour/state of him and his large gash "Cut myself Shaving Sir", he was sent back to the mess....Then the other instructor fell asleep during morning prayers...so he was sent back.
At three times during that day, I was summoned to the Crewman Leader's Office to be grilled about what had gone on, due to the various complaints/rumours about noise, mess, etc. Obviously as he was an Officer I had to respect the code that what happens in the Sgt's Mess, stays in the Sgt's Mess.....unfortunately my Instructor was the Sgt's Mess Manager
Later after 3 days of bad Wx went and collected 2 x Barrels from Officers Mess (I was only stude on Sqn with Landrover on F600), which we duly drank, followed by trip to Shrewsbury (buttermarket) followed by drink-ette in the Sgt's Mess. It finished with myself and one of the live-in instructors carrying another Instructor up the stairs to his room, unfortunately he had already fallen over and cut his chin right across on a Bar Stool, and then releived himself at the top of the stairs, after an impromptu Banjo jamming session I retired at 5-ish
Just before morning prayers the Crewman Leader asks Instructor about the colour/state of him and his large gash "Cut myself Shaving Sir", he was sent back to the mess....Then the other instructor fell asleep during morning prayers...so he was sent back.
At three times during that day, I was summoned to the Crewman Leader's Office to be grilled about what had gone on, due to the various complaints/rumours about noise, mess, etc. Obviously as he was an Officer I had to respect the code that what happens in the Sgt's Mess, stays in the Sgt's Mess.....unfortunately my Instructor was the Sgt's Mess Manager
RAF Bishops Court, Stn Cdrs block inspection.
Stn Cdr to young SAC "Do you have a licence for that television?"
Young SAC to Stn Cdr "No, sir"
Stn Cdr to young SAC "Why not?"
Young SAC to Stn Cdr "It's a microwave, sir"
Allegedly
Stn Cdr to young SAC "Do you have a licence for that television?"
Young SAC to Stn Cdr "No, sir"
Stn Cdr to young SAC "Why not?"
Young SAC to Stn Cdr "It's a microwave, sir"
Allegedly
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A story told to me by a Nimrod mate who sadly went before us in 1995, one of the 7 in the Lake Ontario display accident.
In a bar at RAF *** he was in a conversation with 3 other guys, one of whom had recently arrived. This new chap had hit upon a fact about the other 2. "Hang on, if you 2 were going through **** training at RAF **** in 19**, you must have known ******* ****** (a female)".
Having exchanged knowing looks and winks, the 2 turned to him and admitted, "Yes, we knew her, one night I was at one end and he was at the other. Why, how do you know her?"
The obvious but allegedly true punchline ....... "she's my wife"
My friend was a top bloke, and his story always brings tears of laughter to the eyes - a great way to remember him. He told me he had to just turn away at the time and control himself, but I've never stopped wondering how the new guy went home that night. Was it a case of just ignoring the fact, or maybe a case of "Honey, I'm home, and I've brought a couple of old friends back with me"?
In a bar at RAF *** he was in a conversation with 3 other guys, one of whom had recently arrived. This new chap had hit upon a fact about the other 2. "Hang on, if you 2 were going through **** training at RAF **** in 19**, you must have known ******* ****** (a female)".
Having exchanged knowing looks and winks, the 2 turned to him and admitted, "Yes, we knew her, one night I was at one end and he was at the other. Why, how do you know her?"
The obvious but allegedly true punchline ....... "she's my wife"
My friend was a top bloke, and his story always brings tears of laughter to the eyes - a great way to remember him. He told me he had to just turn away at the time and control himself, but I've never stopped wondering how the new guy went home that night. Was it a case of just ignoring the fact, or maybe a case of "Honey, I'm home, and I've brought a couple of old friends back with me"?
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Downtown Doncaster back in '89. In Park Lane, flashing the aircrew watch but to no avail.
Friend of mine saunters up to a girl sitting at a table with a load of her friends and says, "Excuse me, would you like to come up to the dance floor and dance with me?"
She replies, "What, with a baby!"
Quick as a flash he replied in the loudest voice possible, "Oh, I didn't know you were pregnant" and walked off leaving the rest of the girls at the table sniggering at their now deflated friend!
PP
Friend of mine saunters up to a girl sitting at a table with a load of her friends and says, "Excuse me, would you like to come up to the dance floor and dance with me?"
She replies, "What, with a baby!"
Quick as a flash he replied in the loudest voice possible, "Oh, I didn't know you were pregnant" and walked off leaving the rest of the girls at the table sniggering at their now deflated friend!
PP
Last edited by Pilot Pacifier; 28th Apr 2007 at 17:35.
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Haircut at Halton
Sgt to Apprentice. Have you just had you haircut in working hours?
App to Sgt Yes Sgt
Sgt to App You shouldn't - it doesn't all grow in working hours
App to Sgt I haven't had it all cut off Sgt
Again - allegedly
App to Sgt Yes Sgt
Sgt to App You shouldn't - it doesn't all grow in working hours
App to Sgt I haven't had it all cut off Sgt
Again - allegedly
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I´m Glad I said that !!
(One for our older ex R.A.F. members.).
Many are the stories told about a certain "Abandoned Earl" - some are in this thread previously.
Around 1956/7 he was our AOC (or was he C in C ??). (Memory lapse !!) in Germany, & the funny stories were becoming a little tarnished, for various reasons.
He was due to do the Annual Inspection of our station and, in the usual manner, (for about the previous month) much painting, servicing, extra drill parades/blanco- ing, formation flying practice, cleaning etc was carried out by everyone of the approximately 1000 plus staff of Gutersloh, or was it Wunstorf ?? (Memory again!!).
Anyway his aircraft landed & he asked to be taken straight to the Sergeants Mess bar.
The station personnel were all getting messages of the progress of said Inspection. The message was always the same, "he´s still in the bar in the sergeants mess". This went on for the next 3 or 4 hours. (lunching arrangements for everyone were modified/delayed.).
Eventually we heard that he had been driven direct from the bar to his aircraft, & that was that. People were furious.
Many years later, now a civilian, I was at a flying club function. Someone came up to me & said, "Weren´t you in the R.A.F. in Germany in the 50´s ?" Someone would like to meet you. Little did I know it, but the Earl was there talking to Sir Alan Cobham of Flight Refuelling fame.
Earl:- How do you do. Did our paths ever cross ?
Me:- Yes sir. You were to do an inspection of the station I was based at. I didnt see you because you went straight from your aircraft to the sergeants mess bar & then went straight from there to your aircraft some hours later, and that was the end of the inspection !
Earl (threateningly !!):- WHAT DID YOU SAY !!!!!! ???!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me (thinking of the disgust everyone felt at the time) just repeated what I had just said. Sir Alan said nothing.
The Earl continued his conversation with Sir Alan (& ignored me). I excused myself after a few seconds.
I´m Glad I said that.
Many are the stories told about a certain "Abandoned Earl" - some are in this thread previously.
Around 1956/7 he was our AOC (or was he C in C ??). (Memory lapse !!) in Germany, & the funny stories were becoming a little tarnished, for various reasons.
He was due to do the Annual Inspection of our station and, in the usual manner, (for about the previous month) much painting, servicing, extra drill parades/blanco- ing, formation flying practice, cleaning etc was carried out by everyone of the approximately 1000 plus staff of Gutersloh, or was it Wunstorf ?? (Memory again!!).
Anyway his aircraft landed & he asked to be taken straight to the Sergeants Mess bar.
The station personnel were all getting messages of the progress of said Inspection. The message was always the same, "he´s still in the bar in the sergeants mess". This went on for the next 3 or 4 hours. (lunching arrangements for everyone were modified/delayed.).
Eventually we heard that he had been driven direct from the bar to his aircraft, & that was that. People were furious.
Many years later, now a civilian, I was at a flying club function. Someone came up to me & said, "Weren´t you in the R.A.F. in Germany in the 50´s ?" Someone would like to meet you. Little did I know it, but the Earl was there talking to Sir Alan Cobham of Flight Refuelling fame.
Earl:- How do you do. Did our paths ever cross ?
Me:- Yes sir. You were to do an inspection of the station I was based at. I didnt see you because you went straight from your aircraft to the sergeants mess bar & then went straight from there to your aircraft some hours later, and that was the end of the inspection !
Earl (threateningly !!):- WHAT DID YOU SAY !!!!!! ???!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me (thinking of the disgust everyone felt at the time) just repeated what I had just said. Sir Alan said nothing.
The Earl continued his conversation with Sir Alan (& ignored me). I excused myself after a few seconds.
I´m Glad I said that.
Last edited by luffers79; 28th Apr 2007 at 19:54.
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Many years ago, my wife went on an interviewing course with Customs and Excise to train her to get specific answers to specific questions. At a sqn function soon afterwards, she got chatting to my sqn boss:
Mrs Joe: So what do you do?
Boss: I'm the sqn boss.
Mrs Joe: Oh.... so what do you do?
Boss: Well, I'm in charge of the sqn.
Mrs Joe: Yes.... but what do you do?
Boss made excuses and mingled elsewhere.
Behind every passed-over flt lt, there's a woman who didn't realise that winding-up the boss was a bad idea!
N Joe
Mrs Joe: So what do you do?
Boss: I'm the sqn boss.
Mrs Joe: Oh.... so what do you do?
Boss: Well, I'm in charge of the sqn.
Mrs Joe: Yes.... but what do you do?
Boss made excuses and mingled elsewhere.
Behind every passed-over flt lt, there's a woman who didn't realise that winding-up the boss was a bad idea!
N Joe
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Many years ago the Harrier mates were enjoying their regular camping trip to Sennelager Training Area, Darkest Northern Germany. The GLO (tame army officer), a Major in the Fusileers was giving the mates a ground defence briefing and was sporting the distinctive red and white cockade behind the badge in his berret.
"Remember," he said, "A Soviet sniper will always go for a chap in flying overalls."
One mate then said to another, "If I was a Soviet sniper, I'd go for the chap with a feather in his hat!"
"Remember," he said, "A Soviet sniper will always go for a chap in flying overalls."
One mate then said to another, "If I was a Soviet sniper, I'd go for the chap with a feather in his hat!"
Red On, Green On
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It's not military but:
A friend was being introduced to the local Rev., who liked it to be known that he was correctly titled Rector. The introduction went ahead, and she put out her hand and said "How very nice to meet you, Rectum"
A friend was being introduced to the local Rev., who liked it to be known that he was correctly titled Rector. The introduction went ahead, and she put out her hand and said "How very nice to meet you, Rectum"
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That bloody footswitch
Was being taught to start a Huey a while back and did not realise that when you depress the footswitch in the Huey, you transmit on whatever external box is selected (as many have before me).
My stick buddy and I were getting taught how to start the aircraft and he was in another aircraft with his instructor at the time.
My instructor told me to get a good grip of the throttle since the gloves might not grip as well as I expected; meanwhile my stick buddy was having trouble with the ICS (had some funny static) and his instructor said "Mate, take out the lead and just lick the tip of the connector and see if you can get a better connection".
I inadvertantly hot miked the statement " OK Sir, I have a good grip of it".
Straight after this my stick buddy, prior to disconnecting hot miked the words
"Just confirm you want me to lick the tip of it?"
There was a brief pause (we had no idea we had hot miked) before the transmit button in the tower was depressed but there were no words forthcoming, just the sound of people trying not to die laughing.
TW
My stick buddy and I were getting taught how to start the aircraft and he was in another aircraft with his instructor at the time.
My instructor told me to get a good grip of the throttle since the gloves might not grip as well as I expected; meanwhile my stick buddy was having trouble with the ICS (had some funny static) and his instructor said "Mate, take out the lead and just lick the tip of the connector and see if you can get a better connection".
I inadvertantly hot miked the statement " OK Sir, I have a good grip of it".
Straight after this my stick buddy, prior to disconnecting hot miked the words
"Just confirm you want me to lick the tip of it?"
There was a brief pause (we had no idea we had hot miked) before the transmit button in the tower was depressed but there were no words forthcoming, just the sound of people trying not to die laughing.
TW
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Now then, now then.
Yeller/Six of,
I have been amazed at the longevity of, and the quality of, contributions to this thread. I hope fellow chucklers would agree that your latest contributions (provocation understood -Six of) are not in tune with the body of the kirk
How's about a funny one? As an offering:
Waddo - early 80s. Air Officer from Bomber Command/1 Gp/whatever it was called appeared as the final turn in a mass brief prior to mass launch on a Waddo/Scampton Taceval. He summarized the priorities of the mish, and finished, arms folded, with a rhetorical:
"Gentlemen. Any questions"?
After an excruciatingly long silence, a (top bloke) Flying Officer at the back piped up with:
"Yes Sir. What ever happened to Freddie & the Dreamers?"
GICASI
I have been amazed at the longevity of, and the quality of, contributions to this thread. I hope fellow chucklers would agree that your latest contributions (provocation understood -Six of) are not in tune with the body of the kirk
How's about a funny one? As an offering:
Waddo - early 80s. Air Officer from Bomber Command/1 Gp/whatever it was called appeared as the final turn in a mass brief prior to mass launch on a Waddo/Scampton Taceval. He summarized the priorities of the mish, and finished, arms folded, with a rhetorical:
"Gentlemen. Any questions"?
After an excruciatingly long silence, a (top bloke) Flying Officer at the back piped up with:
"Yes Sir. What ever happened to Freddie & the Dreamers?"
GICASI
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Dear Mr Gait
I am sorry if my post did not meet your exacting standards. Was it the harrier pilot gallows humour? Or did you not understand the metaphorical references to Taceval Deployments (camping)? Or the fact that the Harrier was known as the Bona Jet and the drivers as Bona Mates? This was all well over twenty years ago, perhaps you are merely not old enough.
I am sorry if my post did not meet your exacting standards. Was it the harrier pilot gallows humour? Or did you not understand the metaphorical references to Taceval Deployments (camping)? Or the fact that the Harrier was known as the Bona Jet and the drivers as Bona Mates? This was all well over twenty years ago, perhaps you are merely not old enough.
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Hong Kong 1963
US destroyer tied up alongside.
Ship's broadcast in mega decibels booms out all over Hong Kong and Kowloon, reverberating off the hills and buildings...
"'NOW HEAR THIS' - FOR'D SWEEPERS SWEEP AFT, AFT SWEEPERS SWEEP FOR'D. LIBERTY GUYS TO GLAMORIZE, GET FELL IN ABAFT THE AFTER FANTAIL... THE USE OF FOUL LANGUAGE IS FORBIDDEN UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - THERE'S C***T ON BOARD".
I heard it!
US destroyer tied up alongside.
Ship's broadcast in mega decibels booms out all over Hong Kong and Kowloon, reverberating off the hills and buildings...
"'NOW HEAR THIS' - FOR'D SWEEPERS SWEEP AFT, AFT SWEEPERS SWEEP FOR'D. LIBERTY GUYS TO GLAMORIZE, GET FELL IN ABAFT THE AFTER FANTAIL... THE USE OF FOUL LANGUAGE IS FORBIDDEN UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - THERE'S C***T ON BOARD".
I heard it!
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In the highly dynamic world of a visual circut somewhere within the confines of 2 Gp, I had a C130, late downwind, and a hawk on instrament, looked abit tight, but I thought i'd be a good Airtrafficker and let the station-based get his circut in.
The C130 was cleared to roll, but proceeded to to the longest roll ever, as as Hawk was getting close to being broken off. I shout,
"Move it Dog F**ker" refering to the C130 to get off my runway, which he does, and the hawk only just gets in.
Turning around to see whats going on in the VCR, is the padre and a civillian trainee vicar at the top of the stairs, having poped up to have a look at whats going on in ATC.
Sit back, relax, how do you think that went?
The C130 was cleared to roll, but proceeded to to the longest roll ever, as as Hawk was getting close to being broken off. I shout,
"Move it Dog F**ker" refering to the C130 to get off my runway, which he does, and the hawk only just gets in.
Turning around to see whats going on in the VCR, is the padre and a civillian trainee vicar at the top of the stairs, having poped up to have a look at whats going on in ATC.
Sit back, relax, how do you think that went?