I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...
Guest
Posts: n/a
In my days as an 'Earth person' whilst stationed at Ballykelly, we had a visit from the 'Grand Fromage' of the AAC.
We had skillfully secreted a less than tactful Groundie in the Groundcrew shack, away from the said 1*.
1* decides to visit the groundies!!!
Conversation goes:
1*-"and who are you"
G -"Airtpr @#@, Sir"
1*-"If there was anything you wished you'd done in your time @#@, what would it be"(standard 1* question, 'Boots fit, mail getting through etc, etc)
@#@-"joined a year earlier Sir"
1*- "and whys that"(thinking pilot selection, promotion)
@#@- "I'd be out by now........Sir"
We had skillfully secreted a less than tactful Groundie in the Groundcrew shack, away from the said 1*.
1* decides to visit the groundies!!!
Conversation goes:
1*-"and who are you"
G -"Airtpr @#@, Sir"
1*-"If there was anything you wished you'd done in your time @#@, what would it be"(standard 1* question, 'Boots fit, mail getting through etc, etc)
@#@-"joined a year earlier Sir"
1*- "and whys that"(thinking pilot selection, promotion)
@#@- "I'd be out by now........Sir"
Guest
Posts: n/a
RN officer training at Dartmouth in late 70's doing the parade training bit. Took place on the square surrounded by the ramps and then the college on 3 sides. Squad doing the "left right" bits encouraged by PO gunner in usual officer cadet style...sounds of chatter and giggling drifting down from the WRNS officer accommodation two floors up...PO tired of this distraction asks for some quiet as follows:-
(Full Parade Volume)
"Ma'm could you please be quiet...You've only got one c#*! to look after ....I've got twenty down here!"
Oops!
(Full Parade Volume)
"Ma'm could you please be quiet...You've only got one c#*! to look after ....I've got twenty down here!"
Oops!
Guest
Posts: n/a
I was DS at the RAF’s most highly sought after Junior Officers’ joined-up writing school. Between courses a group of us went on a liaison visit to the Army rest camp at Colchester and were entertained splendidly by the staff. Part of the visit was to see the luxurious accommodation and fitness facilities in the gyms.
One of their special guests was an RAF airman who was being looked after particularly well. We were taken to see him using a multi-gym. They were fairly new at the time and we were fascinated.
Trying to appear “with it” I said to him: “Have you ever used one of these multi-gyms before?”
“Yessir” he said “When I was in ‘ere last time.”
(For civilian and overseas readers, Colchester was the military prison)
One of their special guests was an RAF airman who was being looked after particularly well. We were taken to see him using a multi-gym. They were fairly new at the time and we were fascinated.
Trying to appear “with it” I said to him: “Have you ever used one of these multi-gyms before?”
“Yessir” he said “When I was in ‘ere last time.”
(For civilian and overseas readers, Colchester was the military prison)
Guest
Posts: n/a
Back in the late 80’s during Airman Aircrew Initial Training (SNCO Aircrew to those not in the know) we were up on the Yorkshire Dales carrying out the wonderful leadership exercises carrying pine poles and hernia boxes up the nearest steepest hills because the DS said so! Once at the top without having time to admire the view: -
DS “right you lot, you are to get the team over this 8’ gap that is filled with shark infested custard.”
The team leader scratches his head for a while and without speaking to the DS says to the lads, “form up in a line one behind the other, Jones at the front whirl your arms above your head and Smith at the back do the same.”
The team leader then gets all seven guys all to shuffle forward over the shark infested custard shouting “wokka wokka wokka.”
“Oi” shouts the DS, “where did you get that Chinook from?”
“The same place you got the shark infested custard from sir!”
Got a tick in the box!
[This message has been edited by Pilot Pacifier (edited 18 December 2000).]
DS “right you lot, you are to get the team over this 8’ gap that is filled with shark infested custard.”
The team leader scratches his head for a while and without speaking to the DS says to the lads, “form up in a line one behind the other, Jones at the front whirl your arms above your head and Smith at the back do the same.”
The team leader then gets all seven guys all to shuffle forward over the shark infested custard shouting “wokka wokka wokka.”
“Oi” shouts the DS, “where did you get that Chinook from?”
“The same place you got the shark infested custard from sir!”
Got a tick in the box!
[This message has been edited by Pilot Pacifier (edited 18 December 2000).]
Guest
Posts: n/a
Scene: AAC Sqn, visiting Grand Fromage (might've been yours, murph!), who was renowned for asking awkward military questions on such occasions posed this to the assembled Sqn:
Gr From "Anybody tell me the name of the AAC Slow March?"
Sqn Comd "Errr"
2ic "Ummm"
SSM "Oeerr"
(getting the picture?)
Little Airtpr at the back raises nervous hand
Gr From "Yes! Laddie at the back!"
Airtpr "Well, Sir - I can't rember what you call it, or how the tune goes - but I do remember the words!"
Gr From "Weeelll?"
Airtpr "It goes like this Sir - Leeeft Riiight Leeeft...."
Gr From "Anybody tell me the name of the AAC Slow March?"
Sqn Comd "Errr"
2ic "Ummm"
SSM "Oeerr"
(getting the picture?)
Little Airtpr at the back raises nervous hand
Gr From "Yes! Laddie at the back!"
Airtpr "Well, Sir - I can't rember what you call it, or how the tune goes - but I do remember the words!"
Gr From "Weeelll?"
Airtpr "It goes like this Sir - Leeeft Riiight Leeeft...."
Guest
Posts: n/a
Visiting a North German naval airfield with a USN exchange officer as copilot we were waiting for transport from the dipersal area to ops. The "Jovial German" who had been sent to meet us remarked "We shall lose the next war because we are waiting for the transport". Cue for USN officer to remove (unlit) cigar and enquire "That how you lost the last two?" There ensued a sudden drop in the ambient temperature and a 2km walk to the ops block.
Quotes from a weapons planning course:
Definition of a tactical nuclear weapon. One that goes off in Germany.
What is the average distance between German towns? About 5 kilotons.
BTW these came from the German DS.
Quotes from a weapons planning course:
Definition of a tactical nuclear weapon. One that goes off in Germany.
What is the average distance between German towns? About 5 kilotons.
BTW these came from the German DS.
Guest
Posts: n/a
...somewhere over Europe...
Capt: "Hello Amsterdam App, this is ABC 1234, British helicopter, 20 miles north of you, 18 pob....etc"
Crewman: "Actually boss we're only 17 pob"
Capt "Amsterdam, ABC 1234, now 17 pob"
Amsterdam "I hope he has a parachute"
Capt: "Hello Amsterdam App, this is ABC 1234, British helicopter, 20 miles north of you, 18 pob....etc"
Crewman: "Actually boss we're only 17 pob"
Capt "Amsterdam, ABC 1234, now 17 pob"
Amsterdam "I hope he has a parachute"
Guest
Posts: n/a
Certain ancient pilot flogging across Holland in a Hastings on the way to Gatow. Told to call appropriate German radar unit on crossing the border. "Hello, Rhein, it's Ascot whoever, position blah, height blah, request direct blah". "Are you familiar with the corridors?" "Affirm" "Really, when were you last here?" "1944!!"
Another ancient, but fast-ish jet pilot wheezes across the North Sea in Winston-the-Meteor on his way to some weekend do in the Clutch. "Squawk blah, clear direct to the blah TACAN" "Negative, no TACAN" "No squawk observed, request you recycle" "Sorry, no parrot, not even egg" "OK Can you report the blah NDB then?" "Negative - no ADF. Nor VOR either, for that matter" "Well what navaids DO you carry, Sir?"
"I'm talking to you on it!!"
Another ancient, but fast-ish jet pilot wheezes across the North Sea in Winston-the-Meteor on his way to some weekend do in the Clutch. "Squawk blah, clear direct to the blah TACAN" "Negative, no TACAN" "No squawk observed, request you recycle" "Sorry, no parrot, not even egg" "OK Can you report the blah NDB then?" "Negative - no ADF. Nor VOR either, for that matter" "Well what navaids DO you carry, Sir?"
"I'm talking to you on it!!"
Guest
Posts: n/a
Nimrod circa 1990 in the gulf at night.
Nav "break right barrage balloon on the nose"
Mighty hunter hauls round spilling teas and curries.
after several orbits and much scratching of heads
Pilot " nav is that balloon on the nose now?"
Nav "yes 12 Oclock"
Pilot " Are you using the FLIR?"
nav "yes"
Pilot " no confliction that balloon is the moon"
[This message has been edited by FE Hoppy (edited 22 December 2000).]
Nav "break right barrage balloon on the nose"
Mighty hunter hauls round spilling teas and curries.
after several orbits and much scratching of heads
Pilot " nav is that balloon on the nose now?"
Nav "yes 12 Oclock"
Pilot " Are you using the FLIR?"
nav "yes"
Pilot " no confliction that balloon is the moon"
[This message has been edited by FE Hoppy (edited 22 December 2000).]
Guest
Posts: n/a
A long standing aggravation on Ark (the CVA version) was a tendency to ignore/forget the ASW contingent until long after the last stovie recovery, by which time the ship had turned well out of limits and another 15 - 30 minutes in the wait was on the cards, or a hairy recovery to 6 spot with little margin for error, especially on a dark and gloomy night, in the lee of the island surrounded by stack gas, on a deck made a tadge slippery from the oil pulled out of the arrestor wire reeves adjacent to the spot.
Tasked to NAS Norfolk to pick up freight from a visiting C130, we were offered on arrival a Phantom Spey engine and/or 130 sacks of ship's mail. Needless to say, 130 sacks of mail in a Sea King left room only for the back seaters to stand behind the drivers, and b*gger the Spey.
Coasting out, the looker pulled out a trusty packet of Blue Liners, and calculated 090 as a good start for Mother. A later call for a steer was queried as to the competency of the radar and operator, but 130 sacks of mail soon got a very accurate range and bearing.
Call to Flyco got the usual wind out of limits, squeeze onto 7 or 8 spot if you want, otherwise 60 minutes in the starboard wait. 130 sacks of mail got an immediate turn of the Ark into wind, all deck shuffles cease, spots 2 through to 5 immediately cleared, and
"Which spot would you like?"
Revenge is a dish best eaten cold
Tasked to NAS Norfolk to pick up freight from a visiting C130, we were offered on arrival a Phantom Spey engine and/or 130 sacks of ship's mail. Needless to say, 130 sacks of mail in a Sea King left room only for the back seaters to stand behind the drivers, and b*gger the Spey.
Coasting out, the looker pulled out a trusty packet of Blue Liners, and calculated 090 as a good start for Mother. A later call for a steer was queried as to the competency of the radar and operator, but 130 sacks of mail soon got a very accurate range and bearing.
Call to Flyco got the usual wind out of limits, squeeze onto 7 or 8 spot if you want, otherwise 60 minutes in the starboard wait. 130 sacks of mail got an immediate turn of the Ark into wind, all deck shuffles cease, spots 2 through to 5 immediately cleared, and
"Which spot would you like?"
Revenge is a dish best eaten cold
Guest
Posts: n/a
Many moons ago a Naval colleague of mine (I shall call him Lt P G Tips to protect the innocent) was supervising some work on the upper deck under the watchful gaze of a rather nasty 1st Lt.
PG - 'You two pull on that rope'
XO - 'Tips use more nautical terminology in future. You sound like a tart'
PG - 'Aye Aye Sir' short pause, then.....
'HEAVE HO ME HEARTIES'
XO - 'TIPS GET YOUR ASS ON THE BRIDGE NOW'
PG - 'You two pull on that rope'
XO - 'Tips use more nautical terminology in future. You sound like a tart'
PG - 'Aye Aye Sir' short pause, then.....
'HEAVE HO ME HEARTIES'
XO - 'TIPS GET YOUR ASS ON THE BRIDGE NOW'
Guest
Posts: n/a
Just keeping the thread going.
First day as a DEC with a major airline. Introduced to God (better known as Chief Pilot) who gives usual pep talk to all gathered and finally asks for questions. Fellow DEC, with very straight face replied "When the Daleks invaded, when didn't everyone just go upstairs !"
==========================
Eastern seaboard of North America late evening :
Moncton Center : Speedbird xyz turn left 15 for noise abatement.
Speedbird : Was that for speedbird xyz ?
Moncton : Affirm
Speedbird : Speedbird xyz we are at FL370 !
Moncton :Roger that, have you heard the noise made by a 747 hitting a DC10 ?
First day as a DEC with a major airline. Introduced to God (better known as Chief Pilot) who gives usual pep talk to all gathered and finally asks for questions. Fellow DEC, with very straight face replied "When the Daleks invaded, when didn't everyone just go upstairs !"
==========================
Eastern seaboard of North America late evening :
Moncton Center : Speedbird xyz turn left 15 for noise abatement.
Speedbird : Was that for speedbird xyz ?
Moncton : Affirm
Speedbird : Speedbird xyz we are at FL370 !
Moncton :Roger that, have you heard the noise made by a 747 hitting a DC10 ?
Guest
Posts: n/a
A dark winters evening. Flight level umpty-dump on another shuttle mission to Manch.
Bright, cheery and enthusiastic female voice is engaged in some replanning in flight on the r/t, as the snow closed another airfield.
"Speedbird xyz, request a good route from Dayne to etc etc".
Short pause, followed by an infinitely weary Aussie male voice from the darkness:
"Good evening Sheila: I could use a good root too!"
Bright, cheery and enthusiastic female voice is engaged in some replanning in flight on the r/t, as the snow closed another airfield.
"Speedbird xyz, request a good route from Dayne to etc etc".
Short pause, followed by an infinitely weary Aussie male voice from the darkness:
"Good evening Sheila: I could use a good root too!"
Guest
Posts: n/a
Dit On(if they've not already cropped up earlier):
Exercise somewhere:
"Hello M0, Puma 1 your location 2 minutes. Drop off supplies"
"M0. Puma 1, authenticate Delta Foxtrot".
"Puma 1. Negative Authentication Tables"
"M0. Puma 1, authenticate Golf Uniform"
"Puma 1. I say again we have no authentication tables".
"M0. Puma 1, authenticate Mike Charlie"
"Look do you want these effing rations or not?"
Or:
"London this is Speedbird xyz. We're going to need to hold for a while before we can start our approach. We have an elderly female pax stuck in the toilet."
"In that case your cleared to hold from Monday to Saturday"
Or:
Dining-In Night. Spec aircrew mate snoring at the bottom of the table while staysh drones on (OK that narrows it down). Staysh gets annoyed and gestures for someone to wake snorer up. Neighbour of said mate gives him a thump to which our hero cries:
"Hit me harder I can still hear him"
And I wuz there for this one. Wet, wild, ARB (Bandit country to you civvies or jetboys) with 1 Royal Scots.
Me:"T11B this is Puma 3. Say again your location for pickup, over"
"T11B. Grid 123456 urr 456123 umm standb we're not ready yet"
"T11B this is Puma 3. Show strobe and we'll find you"
"T11B. We haven't got one"
Suddenly from on high:
"T11B THIS IS BUZZARD. YER DRILLS ARE *****. NOW SHINE A ****ING TORCH OR YE'RE OOT THERE ALL NIGHT"
I guess you had to be there.
Exercise somewhere:
"Hello M0, Puma 1 your location 2 minutes. Drop off supplies"
"M0. Puma 1, authenticate Delta Foxtrot".
"Puma 1. Negative Authentication Tables"
"M0. Puma 1, authenticate Golf Uniform"
"Puma 1. I say again we have no authentication tables".
"M0. Puma 1, authenticate Mike Charlie"
"Look do you want these effing rations or not?"
Or:
"London this is Speedbird xyz. We're going to need to hold for a while before we can start our approach. We have an elderly female pax stuck in the toilet."
"In that case your cleared to hold from Monday to Saturday"
Or:
Dining-In Night. Spec aircrew mate snoring at the bottom of the table while staysh drones on (OK that narrows it down). Staysh gets annoyed and gestures for someone to wake snorer up. Neighbour of said mate gives him a thump to which our hero cries:
"Hit me harder I can still hear him"
And I wuz there for this one. Wet, wild, ARB (Bandit country to you civvies or jetboys) with 1 Royal Scots.
Me:"T11B this is Puma 3. Say again your location for pickup, over"
"T11B. Grid 123456 urr 456123 umm standb we're not ready yet"
"T11B this is Puma 3. Show strobe and we'll find you"
"T11B. We haven't got one"
Suddenly from on high:
"T11B THIS IS BUZZARD. YER DRILLS ARE *****. NOW SHINE A ****ING TORCH OR YE'RE OOT THERE ALL NIGHT"
I guess you had to be there.
Guest
Posts: n/a
I think this one appeared in the book'Don't cry for me Sergeant Major' but I heard it again recently.
TESEX during a particularly heavy firefight. Heavy traffic on the net, automatic fire in the background accompanied by numerous bleepings.
'For f@cks sake, Scotty, beam me up!'
------------------
There is no spoon......
TESEX during a particularly heavy firefight. Heavy traffic on the net, automatic fire in the background accompanied by numerous bleepings.
'For f@cks sake, Scotty, beam me up!'
------------------
There is no spoon......
Guest
Posts: n/a
another 'you had to be there'... TACEVAL, St. Mawgan 1988(ish). NLF on guard duty on pan perimeter.
ENDEX declared on radio. Radio call to line - send a rover over over.
or
Nimrods based in Oman just prior to Gulf war. Wierd bits and bobs arriving and needing to be bolted onto the aircraft, including chaff dispensers.
Ex vulcan units used and we had to figure it all out ourselves. Myself and an electrician beavering away fitting the kit. The chaff is held in a square cardboard case not unlike a square bog roll, all attatched in a line and a blade in the dispenser cuts the card away, tolet the chaff fall through the exit hole in the airframe. A few adjustments are needed, so we tape a black bag over the hole to catch the chaff and work away.
Thinking we had it sorted we go to test it. Numpty upstairs presses the button while I stand outside and watch as the first cardboard box drops through the bag, followed by a second - which hits the first and splits open - followed by a succession of semi-peeled boxes and a big cloud of chaff. I run upstairs to stop the mess - which could have been less if we had selected single drops.
We tidy the mess as much as we can and slide back to the crew room, only to be advised that SEEB ATC has lost Comm, ILS, TACAN and is suspecing a possible attack! OOPS!
------------------
NO FAULT FOUND
ENDEX declared on radio. Radio call to line - send a rover over over.
or
Nimrods based in Oman just prior to Gulf war. Wierd bits and bobs arriving and needing to be bolted onto the aircraft, including chaff dispensers.
Ex vulcan units used and we had to figure it all out ourselves. Myself and an electrician beavering away fitting the kit. The chaff is held in a square cardboard case not unlike a square bog roll, all attatched in a line and a blade in the dispenser cuts the card away, tolet the chaff fall through the exit hole in the airframe. A few adjustments are needed, so we tape a black bag over the hole to catch the chaff and work away.
Thinking we had it sorted we go to test it. Numpty upstairs presses the button while I stand outside and watch as the first cardboard box drops through the bag, followed by a second - which hits the first and splits open - followed by a succession of semi-peeled boxes and a big cloud of chaff. I run upstairs to stop the mess - which could have been less if we had selected single drops.
We tidy the mess as much as we can and slide back to the crew room, only to be advised that SEEB ATC has lost Comm, ILS, TACAN and is suspecing a possible attack! OOPS!
------------------
NO FAULT FOUND