Life in the HAF (Hollywood Armed Forces)
PPatRoN
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Life in the HAF (Hollywood Armed Forces)
Apologies if this has been shared before.
Any additions?
*Friendly forces speak with American accents. Enemies have brown skin, or speak with English accents.
*Non-standard equipment is readily available at the hero's request. Sometimes he might have to shout to get it: shouting makes colleagues more cooperative.
*Standard equipment is readily available. It never needs requesting or signing for.
*Phosphorous grenades do not exist. Grenade design is unchanged since WW2, and while HAF grenades kill anyone within 30 metres, enemy grenades have a kill radius of 1.2 metres, beyond which they cause a slight cut to the forehead, and no concussion.
*Female members of the HAF are all drop dead gorgeous.
*No matter how scary the battle, nobody ever needs to do a little laundry afterwards.
*The time between landing in flying kit and driving away perfectly groomed in smart casual attire is less than two minutes.
*HAF airfields have unlimited parking space within 15 metres of one's workplace.
adr
Aircraft, Ships and Helicopters
*You can easily talk to people from inside a helicopter without using PA equipment.
*You can never hear a helicopter until it comes into view. If half the field of vision is obscured by a cliff, then there is silence until the helicopter suddenly appears.
*They never check for ice crystals on the wings of the plane.
*They never do a pre-flight check.
*Cars/ships/planes that are supposed to be destroyed are made of extremely explosive steel. Planes that are forced to crash-land because they've run out of fuel are especially susceptible of turning into a sea of flames.
*Helicopters are controlled by a single joystick, leaving one hand free to fire a squad support weapon out of the window. No helicopter requires the pilot to operate the collective lever with their other hand.
*Impending helicopter crashes are indicated by short pauses of the engine noise.
Gunfights and War
*Small arms have magazines of 30 rounds, 40 rounds, or whatever amount of ammunition is required.
*Don't worry if the good guy runs out of ammo - the cavalry has been hiding around the corner for just this opportunity.
*They always aim just beside the person when they could easily wham them one in the head.
*There are no ricochets.
*Whenever a bad guy is shooting at the hero while the hero is driving away, the bullet will shatter the back windscreen and stop. The bullet never continues on its way through the front windscreen.
*All fully automatic weapons are served by the same sound effect: a .30 Browning machine gun.
*Bullets either inflict minor damage or instant death without much suffering.
*Professional enemy marksmen fail to hit anything other than the dirt around their target - it makes the hero look cooler when he runs away. On the other side, layabout amateur heroic gunslingers armed with a home-customised pistol in each hand are able to shoot half a dozen separate moving targets at a hundred yards while at a dead run, or possibly while somersaulting.
*Elevators always have a panel you can lift out so you can climb on top before the doors open and the bad guys shoot up the cabin.
*A laser beam has a typical length of one metre, a thick glow of an always visible colour, a velocity of approximately 200km/h, a momentum that can blast away a car, and dissolves into yellow sparkles no matter what it hits. Laser generating devices produce a squeaky sound.
*The sonic speed is infinite: the noise of an exploding shell can be heard simultaneously with the flash of light.
*Machine guns never have a blow back, but the hit enemy is always pulled backwards by the impact. However, if a character is standing in front of a balcony and is shot in the chest, he falls forwards and the momentum of the bullet was presumably absorbed.
*Gunnery doesn't heat up when used excessively. Pistols can be stuck down the front of ones trousers without detrimental effect... Try that one in real life and sing in a different key!
*Pets will always survive.
*Policemen don't need to fill out paperwork when they have been using their guns.
*Night vision goggles can be used with weapons that have no muzzle flash suppression.
*During WWII, the Germans drove post-war US Army Tanks.
*Nobody goes deaf when a heavy artillery piece is fired right beneath their ears. Likewise, after a fire fight in a house or an underground garage, the hero and the villain can still hear a pin drop.
*US Army helmets are bolted to the head. There's no need to fasten the chin strap to keep them from falling off.
-- extracted from
Hollywood's Laws of Life, Physics and Everything
*You can easily talk to people from inside a helicopter without using PA equipment.
*You can never hear a helicopter until it comes into view. If half the field of vision is obscured by a cliff, then there is silence until the helicopter suddenly appears.
*They never check for ice crystals on the wings of the plane.
*They never do a pre-flight check.
*Cars/ships/planes that are supposed to be destroyed are made of extremely explosive steel. Planes that are forced to crash-land because they've run out of fuel are especially susceptible of turning into a sea of flames.
*Helicopters are controlled by a single joystick, leaving one hand free to fire a squad support weapon out of the window. No helicopter requires the pilot to operate the collective lever with their other hand.
*Impending helicopter crashes are indicated by short pauses of the engine noise.
Gunfights and War
*Small arms have magazines of 30 rounds, 40 rounds, or whatever amount of ammunition is required.
*Don't worry if the good guy runs out of ammo - the cavalry has been hiding around the corner for just this opportunity.
*They always aim just beside the person when they could easily wham them one in the head.
*There are no ricochets.
*Whenever a bad guy is shooting at the hero while the hero is driving away, the bullet will shatter the back windscreen and stop. The bullet never continues on its way through the front windscreen.
*All fully automatic weapons are served by the same sound effect: a .30 Browning machine gun.
*Bullets either inflict minor damage or instant death without much suffering.
*Professional enemy marksmen fail to hit anything other than the dirt around their target - it makes the hero look cooler when he runs away. On the other side, layabout amateur heroic gunslingers armed with a home-customised pistol in each hand are able to shoot half a dozen separate moving targets at a hundred yards while at a dead run, or possibly while somersaulting.
*Elevators always have a panel you can lift out so you can climb on top before the doors open and the bad guys shoot up the cabin.
*A laser beam has a typical length of one metre, a thick glow of an always visible colour, a velocity of approximately 200km/h, a momentum that can blast away a car, and dissolves into yellow sparkles no matter what it hits. Laser generating devices produce a squeaky sound.
*The sonic speed is infinite: the noise of an exploding shell can be heard simultaneously with the flash of light.
*Machine guns never have a blow back, but the hit enemy is always pulled backwards by the impact. However, if a character is standing in front of a balcony and is shot in the chest, he falls forwards and the momentum of the bullet was presumably absorbed.
*Gunnery doesn't heat up when used excessively. Pistols can be stuck down the front of ones trousers without detrimental effect... Try that one in real life and sing in a different key!
*Pets will always survive.
*Policemen don't need to fill out paperwork when they have been using their guns.
*Night vision goggles can be used with weapons that have no muzzle flash suppression.
*During WWII, the Germans drove post-war US Army Tanks.
*Nobody goes deaf when a heavy artillery piece is fired right beneath their ears. Likewise, after a fire fight in a house or an underground garage, the hero and the villain can still hear a pin drop.
*US Army helmets are bolted to the head. There's no need to fasten the chin strap to keep them from falling off.
-- extracted from
Hollywood's Laws of Life, Physics and Everything
*Friendly forces speak with American accents. Enemies have brown skin, or speak with English accents.
*Non-standard equipment is readily available at the hero's request. Sometimes he might have to shout to get it: shouting makes colleagues more cooperative.
*Standard equipment is readily available. It never needs requesting or signing for.
*Phosphorous grenades do not exist. Grenade design is unchanged since WW2, and while HAF grenades kill anyone within 30 metres, enemy grenades have a kill radius of 1.2 metres, beyond which they cause a slight cut to the forehead, and no concussion.
*Female members of the HAF are all drop dead gorgeous.
*No matter how scary the battle, nobody ever needs to do a little laundry afterwards.
*The time between landing in flying kit and driving away perfectly groomed in smart casual attire is less than two minutes.
*HAF airfields have unlimited parking space within 15 metres of one's workplace.
adr
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- all piston engine aircraft sound like Harvards
- all helicopters sound like Bell47's/Hueys
- any aircraft/helicopter can be airborne within 5 seconds of pilot climbing aboard
- whenever an aircraft enters a dive (especially if it it has some sort of problem) it will emit a Stuka like screamimg sound
- all aircrew wear Ray Ban sunglasses
- all helicopters sound like Bell47's/Hueys
- any aircraft/helicopter can be airborne within 5 seconds of pilot climbing aboard
- whenever an aircraft enters a dive (especially if it it has some sort of problem) it will emit a Stuka like screamimg sound
- all aircrew wear Ray Ban sunglasses
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All helicopters sound like 206s/Hueys ok bell 47s as well
The HAF hero has only a small fleshwound to the upper arm after getting hit by an AK47
Crashing helicopters emit smoke from the area of the tail and spin round no matter what's wrong with them
Arnie can fly a cabriolet Harrier without it having a control restiction and crashing
Enemy aircraft can be easily identified- they're always black
When running out of fuel in your sea king (red october) tapping the fuel gauges somehow improves your endurance.
EH101s don't fly well in minus 100 degrees c weather (well they're not american so what do you expect!!!)
It's possible to loop a 206 (blue thunder on tv the other day
)
In the same vein, a gazelle can take off and fly round with a 20mm chain gun plus loads of ammo on board.
The HAF hero has only a small fleshwound to the upper arm after getting hit by an AK47
Crashing helicopters emit smoke from the area of the tail and spin round no matter what's wrong with them
Arnie can fly a cabriolet Harrier without it having a control restiction and crashing
Enemy aircraft can be easily identified- they're always black
When running out of fuel in your sea king (red october) tapping the fuel gauges somehow improves your endurance.
EH101s don't fly well in minus 100 degrees c weather (well they're not american so what do you expect!!!)
It's possible to loop a 206 (blue thunder on tv the other day
)In the same vein, a gazelle can take off and fly round with a 20mm chain gun plus loads of ammo on board.
If you're the black guy in the red shirt - you don't make it to the end of any Star Trek movie!
You can fly a Super Sabre, F-102, Voodoo and F-84 all at the same time.
You can lose all 3 piston engines on the same side of a B-36 and not think about starting any of the a/c's 4 jet engines, preferring instead to crash land in Alaska, then walk to the chopper which appears 5 minutes later.
All North Koreans wear goggles and fly F-84s.
All jet a/c make Harrier noises.
And, of course, you can get into the bomb bay of a Vulcan from the flight deck!
You can fly a Super Sabre, F-102, Voodoo and F-84 all at the same time.
You can lose all 3 piston engines on the same side of a B-36 and not think about starting any of the a/c's 4 jet engines, preferring instead to crash land in Alaska, then walk to the chopper which appears 5 minutes later.
All North Koreans wear goggles and fly F-84s.
All jet a/c make Harrier noises.
And, of course, you can get into the bomb bay of a Vulcan from the flight deck!
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When the #2 beaks away out of echelon his jet makes a loud 'Wooooosh" noise.
As well as the oxy mask hanging off, it's on hot mic and hot Tx the whole time and you can clearly hear what is being said.
If you have a photo of the spouse/boy/girlfriend stuck to the pannel - then you are just inviting trouble.
When YOU lock someone up in Gun mode - you hear a really loud continous BEEEEEEEEP sound. You must hold your finger/thumb away from the trigger/Px button in a vastly exaggerated manner and then squeeze/depress with 60 lbs force while jerking the stick.
When a submarine is attacked, it is SOP for half naked, oil covered, heavily muscled med to run around turing huge rotary valves to stop steam hissing out of pipes while dimming the lights to red and sounding a loud klaxon (no doubt to help the crew concentrate...). That could really happen for all I know - I have never had the displeasure of being on a sub!
As well as the oxy mask hanging off, it's on hot mic and hot Tx the whole time and you can clearly hear what is being said.
If you have a photo of the spouse/boy/girlfriend stuck to the pannel - then you are just inviting trouble.
When YOU lock someone up in Gun mode - you hear a really loud continous BEEEEEEEEP sound. You must hold your finger/thumb away from the trigger/Px button in a vastly exaggerated manner and then squeeze/depress with 60 lbs force while jerking the stick.
When a submarine is attacked, it is SOP for half naked, oil covered, heavily muscled med to run around turing huge rotary valves to stop steam hissing out of pipes while dimming the lights to red and sounding a loud klaxon (no doubt to help the crew concentrate...). That could really happen for all I know - I have never had the displeasure of being on a sub!
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And, of course, you can get into the bomb bay of a Vulcan from the flight deck!
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Life as a CO is no picnic either:
1. Anyone you call into your office - whether for interview or to sign their logbook - will not only slam the door on the way out but will fail to return from the next sortie.
2. You have the power to alter the morale of hundreds at will.
3. Even the RSPCA has stopped offering you strays as Squadron mascot.
4. You will have gained your position of power despite having some murky secret from a past aerial clusterf*ck conveniently ignored by Their Lordships.
1. Anyone you call into your office - whether for interview or to sign their logbook - will not only slam the door on the way out but will fail to return from the next sortie.
2. You have the power to alter the morale of hundreds at will.
3. Even the RSPCA has stopped offering you strays as Squadron mascot.
4. You will have gained your position of power despite having some murky secret from a past aerial clusterf*ck conveniently ignored by Their Lordships.
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All soldiers, SWAT teams, paratroopers, etc are deaf - hence the need to shout 'GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOG OGOGO at 200 decibels to get them to........ go.
The cockpits of WWII divebombers are the size of your front room to accommodate large heroes such as John Wayne.
Air tactics experts are female.
All FJ pilots ride Harley Davidsons.
Bombs whistle on the way down.
All British officers went to Eton and the NCOs come from the East End of London, mate.
Shells, bombs, rockets and hand grenades cause 6 explosions each. They are never duds.
A friendly grenade flies for 80 yards and then explodes on impact with the loaded petrol bowser. An enemy one waits until the hero and heroine have eyed for it 5 seconds, then allows the hero to run 50 yards to pick it up, choose a suitable target, chuck it back at the enemy and hurl himself to safety in a conveniently-placed slit trench.
Targets highlighted on radar always light up clearly with a satisfying 'ping'.
Jets always fly around in full burner.
Transport aircraft are always spotless in the back.
Missions are flown by aircraft that get airborne as F-84s, drop bombs as F-100s and land as F-4s.
Heroes can fly any aircraft parked on the flight line, and they are always fully-fuelled with the keys in the ignition.
Mid-airs are always head-on at 50 knots.
Cannons produce some sparks followed by a flame like a cigarette lighter.
The bad guy cackles as he drops bombs on hospitals and orphanages. The good guys gets his stick of 1000 pounders right onto the radar site surrounded by hospitals and orphanages and the kids applaud loudly.
Only the enemy are nasty enough to use napalm.
The cockpits of WWII divebombers are the size of your front room to accommodate large heroes such as John Wayne.
Air tactics experts are female.
All FJ pilots ride Harley Davidsons.
Bombs whistle on the way down.
All British officers went to Eton and the NCOs come from the East End of London, mate.
Shells, bombs, rockets and hand grenades cause 6 explosions each. They are never duds.
A friendly grenade flies for 80 yards and then explodes on impact with the loaded petrol bowser. An enemy one waits until the hero and heroine have eyed for it 5 seconds, then allows the hero to run 50 yards to pick it up, choose a suitable target, chuck it back at the enemy and hurl himself to safety in a conveniently-placed slit trench.
Targets highlighted on radar always light up clearly with a satisfying 'ping'.
Jets always fly around in full burner.
Transport aircraft are always spotless in the back.
Missions are flown by aircraft that get airborne as F-84s, drop bombs as F-100s and land as F-4s.
Heroes can fly any aircraft parked on the flight line, and they are always fully-fuelled with the keys in the ignition.
Mid-airs are always head-on at 50 knots.
Cannons produce some sparks followed by a flame like a cigarette lighter.
The bad guy cackles as he drops bombs on hospitals and orphanages. The good guys gets his stick of 1000 pounders right onto the radar site surrounded by hospitals and orphanages and the kids applaud loudly.
Only the enemy are nasty enough to use napalm.
Last edited by Zoom; 26th Nov 2004 at 11:08.
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Car doors, log cabins, breeze block walls all stop bullets as if they are four inches of armour plate.
A Lockheed U2 can pull 6g evasive maneouvres over cuba.
Recoil does not exist.
And, my favourite, a well muscled gent can not only carry a minigun, it's batteries and several thousand rounds of 7.62 but he can also fire it without falling on his arse.
A Lockheed U2 can pull 6g evasive maneouvres over cuba.
Recoil does not exist.
And, my favourite, a well muscled gent can not only carry a minigun, it's batteries and several thousand rounds of 7.62 but he can also fire it without falling on his arse.
Yes, Him
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The geezer with the Cockney accent always cops it.
Aircraft always stoof in & explode behind a convenient hill/line of trees.
It takes less than three seconds to strap into a bang seat correctly and then fire same with big red button on panel.
Oil spills from hits always cover the windscreen/canopy, even on jets.
If its a Harvard in a funny colour scheme then its enemy. Ditto T-33, F-84. F-5.
Heros never have to leap into the spare jet after theirs goes tits up.
Heros have built in GPS so obviating the need to plan, tear up & fold maps etc.
Heros never have a fingers faff and drop the tanks instead of the bombs.
Nobody refuels/re-arms anything - ever.
Nobody ever farts on the flightdeck.
It is standard practice to stick your arm out of Concorde's DV window to fire a Very pistol when supersonic looping to evade a SAM.
Nobody ever thinks to tell the Hostie to select autoland to get the 747 down safe after the pilots collapse/die.
It is entirely possible to jump from a DC-10's nose gear just after take-off, landing in 3ft of water without hurting yourself.
Nobody seems to take leave-ever. (Not sure if this accidentally represents overstretch)
Nobody ever PVRs.
The only command used in the US Forces is "Let's Go".
Aircraft always stoof in & explode behind a convenient hill/line of trees.
It takes less than three seconds to strap into a bang seat correctly and then fire same with big red button on panel.
Oil spills from hits always cover the windscreen/canopy, even on jets.
If its a Harvard in a funny colour scheme then its enemy. Ditto T-33, F-84. F-5.
Heros never have to leap into the spare jet after theirs goes tits up.
Heros have built in GPS so obviating the need to plan, tear up & fold maps etc.
Heros never have a fingers faff and drop the tanks instead of the bombs.
Nobody refuels/re-arms anything - ever.
Nobody ever farts on the flightdeck.
It is standard practice to stick your arm out of Concorde's DV window to fire a Very pistol when supersonic looping to evade a SAM.
Nobody ever thinks to tell the Hostie to select autoland to get the 747 down safe after the pilots collapse/die.
It is entirely possible to jump from a DC-10's nose gear just after take-off, landing in 3ft of water without hurting yourself.
Nobody seems to take leave-ever. (Not sure if this accidentally represents overstretch)
Nobody ever PVRs.
The only command used in the US Forces is "Let's Go".
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F/A-18s firing HARM at rebels on the ground and exploding three or four times each making the whole area the size of two football fields erupt in fire (Tears of the sun)
And Rockets screaming off the aircraft sounding like fireworks, oh and looking like fireworks with a range of twenty metres.
Mk15 Phalanx firing at aircraft with 2in flame going upwards out of the barrel like a lighter.
Air combat in an F-18 with full weapon load and tanks and in the next scene, a Blue Angel F-18 (clean and completely different colour) with the same pilot, then next scene being back to the F-18 with full weapons load again.
Got to love 'Lambo' First blood Part II, where a Huey drops a supposed Napalm, exploding on several levels of the cliff at once and his Bow and Arrow...where the arrows make a wicked noise when in the air....not to mention the explosions created by an arrow with a small explosive point on them making weird and wonderful star-wars sounds as they explode creating masses of fire with pinpoint accuracy at a few hundred metres!!
(Yes i did sit and watch Rambo the other night!, with Russians using Hueys and Pumas made to look like a big fat Hind!! )
They did that Puma look good though, didn't they??
And Rockets screaming off the aircraft sounding like fireworks, oh and looking like fireworks with a range of twenty metres.
Mk15 Phalanx firing at aircraft with 2in flame going upwards out of the barrel like a lighter.
Air combat in an F-18 with full weapon load and tanks and in the next scene, a Blue Angel F-18 (clean and completely different colour) with the same pilot, then next scene being back to the F-18 with full weapons load again.
Got to love 'Lambo' First blood Part II, where a Huey drops a supposed Napalm, exploding on several levels of the cliff at once and his Bow and Arrow...where the arrows make a wicked noise when in the air....not to mention the explosions created by an arrow with a small explosive point on them making weird and wonderful star-wars sounds as they explode creating masses of fire with pinpoint accuracy at a few hundred metres!!
(Yes i did sit and watch Rambo the other night!, with Russians using Hueys and Pumas made to look like a big fat Hind!! )
They did that Puma look good though, didn't they??
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ATD,
About the only accurate statement!!!
From all of the above 15 replies, it does actually sound like the USAF's SOP's!! And I'm sure the Pentagon will be reading this thread with open (slack) jaws wondering who released such sensitive information!
- Whenever an aerial engagement ensues, the hero will always have a steely eyed, focused look regardless of the 9g 'lock on' manoeuvre.
- During the 'dogfight' (filmed in crisp, clear and well edited cinematography) the actual shoot down of the target will always be in black and white/pilotless drone range firing footage and will always be a FW190/N Korean Mig/HE111/F100.
- Ejection. Having banged out at mach 2, he will always brush himself off, run for 500 yards, have immaculate hair and a slight tear to one arm of his growbag, with not so much of a sign of two black eyes, a spine 5 inches shorter and a 'spell' in Headley Court.
-When the 'hero' gets shot down, he will be a pistol/M16/AK47 marksman and can take out the militia leader with previously mentioned 9mm at a range in excess of 300 yards. He can also pick up any weapon and know exactly how it works.
-The squippers kit always works.
-Never snags a cab.
-All aircrew own a ranch full of horses.
-All Blunties respect the job of the hero pilot.
-Aircrew never pull the local minger.
- You never hear the 'hero' or any other aircrew bang on about his interview with 'Virgin/BA/American Airlines'.
- The cockpit of a jet is full of 'jet like' noise.
- Whilst in training, our 'heroes' attitude problem and lack of respect for authority is actually a bonus that will make him 'the best of the best'. And he never goes on review.
- Never a requirement to overshoot after a PAR/SRA/ILS. No crew brief required to minimas etc.....
- Bursts in excess of 5 minutes from 30mm with the sound of a colt .45 when it 'ricochets'.
- Whenever an emergency occurs, no one ever gets their FRC's out.
2. You have the power to alter the morale of hundreds at will.
From all of the above 15 replies, it does actually sound like the USAF's SOP's!! And I'm sure the Pentagon will be reading this thread with open (slack) jaws wondering who released such sensitive information!
- Whenever an aerial engagement ensues, the hero will always have a steely eyed, focused look regardless of the 9g 'lock on' manoeuvre.
- During the 'dogfight' (filmed in crisp, clear and well edited cinematography) the actual shoot down of the target will always be in black and white/pilotless drone range firing footage and will always be a FW190/N Korean Mig/HE111/F100.
- Ejection. Having banged out at mach 2, he will always brush himself off, run for 500 yards, have immaculate hair and a slight tear to one arm of his growbag, with not so much of a sign of two black eyes, a spine 5 inches shorter and a 'spell' in Headley Court.
-When the 'hero' gets shot down, he will be a pistol/M16/AK47 marksman and can take out the militia leader with previously mentioned 9mm at a range in excess of 300 yards. He can also pick up any weapon and know exactly how it works.
-The squippers kit always works.
-Never snags a cab.
-All aircrew own a ranch full of horses.
-All Blunties respect the job of the hero pilot.
-Aircrew never pull the local minger.
- You never hear the 'hero' or any other aircrew bang on about his interview with 'Virgin/BA/American Airlines'.
- The cockpit of a jet is full of 'jet like' noise.
- Whilst in training, our 'heroes' attitude problem and lack of respect for authority is actually a bonus that will make him 'the best of the best'. And he never goes on review.
- Never a requirement to overshoot after a PAR/SRA/ILS. No crew brief required to minimas etc.....
- Bursts in excess of 5 minutes from 30mm with the sound of a colt .45 when it 'ricochets'.
- Whenever an emergency occurs, no one ever gets their FRC's out.
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'Nother one....
There's always a bar/drinking hole barely ten paces outside the perimeter fence, preferably on the undershoot and, in exceptionally good cases, housed in an old control tower/hangar/workshop.
Inside is a selection of relics (No, not OCU staff), anecdotal souvenirs, non-descript bits of aeroplane (if they have red stars on all the better), dog-eared sepia-tone photographs of groups of vest-wearing men gathered around the nose of an F4 in the jungle, tatty SD hats hanging behind the bar along with assorted items of ladies' undergarmentry. Everyone has a favourite tipple known instinctively to the barmaid (the sole member of staff) such that they need never actually say what it is....and everyone knows all the words to every Everly Brothers song.
There's always a bar/drinking hole barely ten paces outside the perimeter fence, preferably on the undershoot and, in exceptionally good cases, housed in an old control tower/hangar/workshop.
Inside is a selection of relics (No, not OCU staff), anecdotal souvenirs, non-descript bits of aeroplane (if they have red stars on all the better), dog-eared sepia-tone photographs of groups of vest-wearing men gathered around the nose of an F4 in the jungle, tatty SD hats hanging behind the bar along with assorted items of ladies' undergarmentry. Everyone has a favourite tipple known instinctively to the barmaid (the sole member of staff) such that they need never actually say what it is....and everyone knows all the words to every Everly Brothers song.
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...and of course the Boss's wife is always happy to entertain pissed/pissed off members of the Squadron at no notice, providing friendly welcome, beers, food and humorous anecdotes about the Boss "in his day" without a 2nd thought.
Nb (If there are any Boss-brats running around in the background, the distinct impression will be given that they are the Chuck Yeager of tomorrow, thereby furnishing HAF with the required sequel in due course)
Nb (If there are any Boss-brats running around in the background, the distinct impression will be given that they are the Chuck Yeager of tomorrow, thereby furnishing HAF with the required sequel in due course)
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AND.....
When venturing from hangar to flight line, swagger like John wayne, wear your hat at a jaunty angle and above all else...
walk in Sloooooooowwwwwwwwwww-mowwwwwwww
(If you can arrange a three-ship fly past to appear over your right shoulder at the same time that aways looks good too)
When venturing from hangar to flight line, swagger like John wayne, wear your hat at a jaunty angle and above all else...
walk in Sloooooooowwwwwwwwwww-mowwwwwwww
(If you can arrange a three-ship fly past to appear over your right shoulder at the same time that aways looks good too)
Join Date: Feb 1999
Location: NW USA
Age: 60
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*HAF C-130/CH-47/UH-1/UH-60 troop compartments don't smell like a mix of JP-4 fumes, Copenhagen snuff-dipper expectorations, hydraulic oil and puke. (Having spent various times in my career as a flight mechanic and as a paratrooper, I'm solidly of the opinion that kitting up in-flight the way the US Army insists upon doing it is more trouble than its worth for everyone involved)
*Everyone knows some action hero out there who can point (from the hip, of course!) an M-60/MAG/MG-42/RPD in each hand and hold them there as he singlehandedly annihilates everything in existence. With the belts of both weapons intertwined about his torso, Pancho Villa fashion, without a single stoppage.
*I always loved Stanley Baker's (as Lt. Chard in Zulu) long-range marksmanship skills with the Webley. If you can't hold off 5000 Zulu with one of those, old boy, you're no good to anyone!
*Then there's the Neverending Magazine.
*Everyone knows some action hero out there who can point (from the hip, of course!) an M-60/MAG/MG-42/RPD in each hand and hold them there as he singlehandedly annihilates everything in existence. With the belts of both weapons intertwined about his torso, Pancho Villa fashion, without a single stoppage.
*I always loved Stanley Baker's (as Lt. Chard in Zulu) long-range marksmanship skills with the Webley. If you can't hold off 5000 Zulu with one of those, old boy, you're no good to anyone!
*Then there's the Neverending Magazine.
TAC Int Bloke
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: UK
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Battlestar Galactica - proof that advanced civilisations miss some of the small stuff we take for granted....
No terrain collision avoidance radar on high tec fighters requiring emergency 20G pull-up when flying low level over mountains
Ejector seat handles just out of reach so heroine has to struggle for 20+ secs before leaving doomed fighter
(GEMS suggestion: Move the handle or don't let short-arses fly)
No quick release boxes on parachute requiring heroine to be dragged across ground, stopping just short of gaping void
PLBs the size and shape of a 1980s Storno that aren’t shock-proofed and smash on impact – who’d have thought they might be dropped from a height? - hence need for rescuers to fly low level in first place
Fighter radar out performs long range static radar and thus picks up Cylon attack before Galactica sees anything - allowing training flight to save the day!
(GEMS: Cattle prods to be issued to Galactica's ASMgrs to insure their scopies stay awake long enough to see the enemy)
No terrain collision avoidance radar on high tec fighters requiring emergency 20G pull-up when flying low level over mountains
Ejector seat handles just out of reach so heroine has to struggle for 20+ secs before leaving doomed fighter
(GEMS suggestion: Move the handle or don't let short-arses fly)
No quick release boxes on parachute requiring heroine to be dragged across ground, stopping just short of gaping void
PLBs the size and shape of a 1980s Storno that aren’t shock-proofed and smash on impact – who’d have thought they might be dropped from a height? - hence need for rescuers to fly low level in first place
Fighter radar out performs long range static radar and thus picks up Cylon attack before Galactica sees anything - allowing training flight to save the day!
(GEMS: Cattle prods to be issued to Galactica's ASMgrs to insure their scopies stay awake long enough to see the enemy)